the key to getting a new relationship started on the right foot…
You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later, when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip. -Jonathan Carroll
One of the biggest mistakes that you can make as you open a new relationship is trying to define it, to set a direction for it before you have had time to really get to know each other. Fear too often drives us to try to push love along. To make it happen. But love must evolve at its own pace and every new relationship needs time to evolve, to show itself.
We have become so goal-oriented, intent on instant gratification that I think many of us have forgotten to float along for awhile to see where life – and love – will take us…
I am not talking about rudderless floating, but rather the kind of relaxed, easy flowing that give you a chance to check out the scenery and get a good look at where you are and who you’re with.
When my son and I went camping last summer, we rented a paddleboat for an hour’s ride up the river winding through the park… From time to time we would stop paddling to just float along the river taking in the beauty of the moment and our environment.. But it was a gorgeous summer day, so there were lots of people doing the same thing we were… every once in awhile, we would have to take the rudder and paddle ourselves out of the way…
This is the way we need to be in a new relationship… float along for a bit, enjoy the process of getting to know someone new, see where the relationship will go on its own… every once in awhile you may need to “take the rudder” to get things back on course, but then get back to floating along until you reach the next “obstacle” or decision-point – you’ll know when it’s time to start paddling… which leads me to another important factor in making a new relationship work…
Trust your intuition… I can’t tell you how often I have commented in a reading that “you knew this was coming, you felt something was off months ago, but you over-rode your inner knowing.” Maybe because we’re afraid we’ll never find someone so we had better make this one work, maybe it’s because we don’t love ourselves enough, maybe because we think the other person will change with our loving support… whatever the reason, we will ignore the amber flags, the signals that tell us whether a relationship is right for us or not… but if we will trust our intuition it can tell us when to float and when to steer…
If you find you’re holding back, there’s probably a good reason, trust your intuition to guide you… float along until you can see why… it may be that there just isn’t the right chemistry between you, but it could also be because you’re afraid and just need more time to build trust.
So, how do you float in relationship?
Start by letting go of expectation and “need” – don’t expect that he or she will return every call, don’t get anxious when he doesn’t call or she doesn’t respond…. and definitely DON’T keep calling when you don’t get a response.
For the first few months, avoid making plans beyond a week or two away.
Be flexible. If a date has to be postponed, don’t resist, just rearrange a time that suits both of you.
Be brave – be willing to say what you like, where you would like to go. Allow yourself to speak up about what works for you, and what doesn’t – but don’t expect to get what you want every time…. be open to compromise and negotiation… this sets a healthy pattern for the relationship and also creates more opportunity to get to know each other and to see if you can actually work together.
Floating in relationship gives you a chance to check out the scenery – it gives you time to know each other, not just what you like, but who you really are, and how you are as a couple, whether or not you have what it takes to make a relationship work in the long-term… it takes more than chemistry… floating along for awhile – at least 6 months – gives the pheromones time to settle down so you can see each other clearly. Then you can think of defining the relationship, setting a course for the future, making plans for holidays together, and maybe even to start a family.
Love is not something you look for,
Love is something you become.– Langley