Answers from our Psychic Experts

Is Nothing Sacred?

by Phil

I recently came upon a funny about the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational, an event that “…asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition… Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered from a real word.”

Some of my favorites were:

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

17. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.”

Well, upon reading such things from great minds, my own mind immediately shut down, and I began to trance-channel the spirit of the iconoclastic “Dacron,” the self-proclaimed “Synthetic Fiber Within the Fabric of the Space/Time Continuum,” a higher guide I frequently call upon to help resolve weighty worldly matters. His wisdom began to unfold like a lotus or an onion (I can’t remember which) and I share his artificial intelligence with you.

Is nothing sacred? Apparently not.

Canubis: The really good stuff that turns you into the Egyptian God of the Underworld, after only four tokes!

2012: The number of guesses about what will happen in four years.

Pleiadese: The language they speak up there.

Sytrius: The brightest star in the constellation shaped like an orange.

Crybstal: A mineral gift for a newborn.

Isish: The feeling you get when an Egyptian Goddess gives you the cold shoulder.

Aumf: A gastric release during a meditation.

Yolga: See Aumf.

Neptuna; Mercury-laden fish that gives you Aumf and Yolga.

The Prunes: A Nordic divination that helps after you’ve eaten Neptuna.

Fartemis: A useful deity to pray to if you’ve eaten too much Neptuna.

Fishnu: Genetically modified Neptuna.

Ishtart: The Babylonian Goddess in her younger, more carefree days.

‘Hosiris: The Egyptian God in his younger, more carefree days.

Raw: What your skin gets after too much Egyptian Sun God.

‘Moses: Out of his closet, and right out of Egypt.

Jesush: Don’t tell anyone He’s the Prince of Peace!

Goad: The pushiest of all deities.

Appallo: His poetry and lyre playing were shocking and atrocious.

Divana: Furniture She rested on after running through the forest.

Raman: Hindu creator of cheap noodle soup.

Erros: Patron Saint of regrettable one-night stands.

Bruddha: Not yo’ sistah.

Krishnap: Transcendental consciousness achieved during a good afternoon snooze.

Astartel: Sign up now and get six months of free wireless service! Just make sure you put Her on speed-dial.

Thork: The sound made when getting hit over the head by a Nordic deity’s hammer.

Owdin: The first word out of your mouth after receiving a thork.

Looki: What the Nordic Trickster says to make you pay attention.

Freyd: Fear of a Nordic deity.

Freyda: Even more terrified.

Aphroditzy: What She became after dying Her hair blond.

Transcendental Medication: The stuff Doctor Feelgood prescribes.

Abrasham: What happens when believers forget that Judaism, Christianity and Islam all share the same patriarch.

Oy, that last one is sadly too true.

Peace,

Phil

(Owdin!!! I just got hit by lightning…)

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